Story of my life
by moon12345
Summary: Just some pages from Remus' diary. R/S one-sided for now, maybe will change in the future.


**_A/N:_**

This is my story, telling through Remus' point of view. It probebly won't have a happy ending. But I haven't decided yet. I hope you'll like it, even though it's sad and frustrating. At least to me it is.

Remus and Sirius and any other character doesn't belong to me.

So, um.. Enjoy reading it, I guess.

* * *

Hi. So, um… this is my diary. I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to start. I guess I can start with the answer to the question, why exactly did I start a diary? It was a present, actually, from my mum. Last month was my seventeen birthday! At first I thought this would be a bad idea. I mean, why should I write a diary? I prefer to read than to write. And I also have friends that I can tell things to, so what am I suppose to do with a diary? But then I started to have these feelings, which I didn't really know what to do about.

I guess I should also tell you my name, since you're about to hear the story of my life. So my name is Remus Lupin, I'm seventeen years old, and I'm a werewolf. Yes, I know it's not very common, and disgusting, and scary. But this is what I am. I hate it, really. It makes me feel different from other people and I hate it. Most people hate my kind, so how am I suppose to love myself?

But this is not why I started this diary. In the last few years I got around to accepting what I am, with the help of my friends. They know for four years now, and they don't care.

No, the reason why I started this diary is because lately I started thinking I might be gay. Yeah, I know, just when you wonder how your life could get worse than they already are, it strikes you in the face.

It all started when my best friends, Sirius and James, started to date girls. They always came with those stories about how great it was, so I got jealous. I had this feeling of loneliness, which I was familiar with, but this time it was different. I knew I couldn't just go out on dates because it was a risk someone would figure out my secret. You know, about me being a werewolf. But it didn't stop me from looking at girls and thinking what it would be like dating them. And then I realized I just don't find them attractive.

I thought something was wrong with me. Why don't I like girls? How is it possible? Are there other possibilities? I didn't know what to think, and I couldn't explain what I was feeling, and it made me scared.

Instead of girls, I thought about guys. And it really freaked me out. I couldn't believe it was possible, and I just didn't want to believe it because I really didn't need any more reasons to be not normal. So I denied it for a really long time.

But then one night I was alone in the dorm that I share with my three best friends. Peter and James were in detention, and Sirius was with his girlfriend, Brianna.

It was all dark and I lay in bed and started thinking. I thought about how life wasn't fair, and how all the bad things that could happen to someone, happened to me. Why was this happening to me? I just wanted to be normal, was that to much to ask?

Being the weak person that I am, I started to cry. I really hate crying. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic, but I just can't help it. I was crying so hard that I didn't even hear the door being open.

"Rem? Are you alright?" I heard the voice and knew immediately who it was.

"Y-yeah…" I managed. I wiped my tears, didn't want Sirius to see me crying.

He came to my bed and sat on it, looking at me through the darkness. "No, you're not. Have you been crying?"

Sirius always knew me so well. He was my best friend, always, more than James and Peter. I felt like I could tell him anything.

I shook my head, but I knew he could tell that I was lying.

"What happened?" he asked and his voice was full with concern and it really touched me. Sirius cared about me. I know he did. Maybe he still is…

So anyway, I wasn't sure if I should tell him or not. Would he hate me if I told him? Would he care? Would he be disgusted and finally realize what a… I can't even think of a word that can describe what I felt about myself that moment.

"I don't want to talk about it." I said, my voice shaking.

"Please tell me," he said softly and put his arm around my shoulder. "Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. You can tell me anything and I'll still be here to help you. I promise."

His voice was so caring that I couldn't stop myself from telling him everything. "I think… I think I'm…" I didn't even know how to say it.

"You think you're what?"

"I l-like boys, Pads…" my voice was so small, I wasn't even sure if he heard me.

It was quiet for a while. All I could hear was Sirius' breaths. His arm was still on my shoulder. I didn't dare to look at his face, so I just stared at my feet and waited. It felt like years until finally Sirius said something.

"It's okay." He said, and a wave of relief flashed me. I still didn't look at him, but my whole body relaxed immediately.

"You- you don't care?" I asked, wanted to make sure I've got him right.

"Of course not. You're my best friend. I'll always care about you, no matter what. You should know that by now. I'm glad you told me. It's better to let these kinds of things out."

I nodded, and once again felt hot tears filling my eyes. As I started sobbing, I felt Sirius arms tightening around me and he was hugging me.

"I j-just want t-to be normal…" I whispered, and buried my face in his shoulder. Oh, how I miss this touch...

"I know," I heard him murmuring. "It's okay… It's okay." His hand was gently stroking my hair.

We sat like that, hugging on my bed, for more than half an hour. Finally I was able to calm down, my eyes were dry again. "Sirius?" I whispered.

"Mmm?"

"Thanks."

And then, when we separated and he smiled his beautiful smile at me and got up from my bed, I suddenly realized the horrible thing that completed the list of bad things that could happen to me. I was in love with my best friend.


End file.
